I was born in a family which declared themselves as an Orthodox by faith( religion), and my father was a Comunist-atheist. Nevrtheless, the most suitable epithet for my family would be faithless and far away from a real faith and far away from God.I grew up in circumstances where there was no talk about God, or very rarely we mentoioned Him, and even these conversations would be meaningless.As I was still a baby, my grandmother insisted that I was baptised, not that they were very "godly", but because, such was "the custom", in order to protect the child from evil spirits and other superstitious reasons.... I remember, when I was a little girl, my grandmother took me to take my first Communion, and took me to take Communiona couple of times afrtewards, because some people told her that a child is supposed to take Holy communion. But when I gew up a little more I continued taking Holy Communion and they let me do that every now and then. I remember,though, when I was at the age of 7-8, or 9, I fasted for 40 days for a certain holiday, in order to take Communion (such was the custom) and when a couple of days before the Communion, a lady gave me some grapes, and when the priest heard it (that I had eaten grapes before Communion), he didn`t let me take Communion, because "You are not allowed to eat grapes before Communion"-he said. It was a terrible dissapointment for my heart as I was still a child and I assumed that it wasn`t fair for me to fast 40 days as an adult, and it was very hot ( summer time), and they didn`t allow me to take part in this for me (although I didn`t very much understand then, but still) holy and special moment. A little bit later, when I was about 9-10, I started thinking about the existance of God; I was asking myself whether there was or there wasn`t God. I was wondering what He is like, if there is... what the sense of existance is and similar questions.I finally concluded that there must be God, otherwise it would be impossible that all the world arround me would be created on its own, that the sky and the stars had to be created by someone, and everything around me. And if there was God, I was late to respect Him and that I had made a lot of mistakes (and I was only ten). I thought there was no going back for me and that I would finish in Hell. I cried a lot then. I cried of fear, of the thought of death and about what is going to be next. So from that day on I decided to be a good girl for God, so He might be merciful to me...and that meant that I had to keep the ten Commandnments, to pray according to the prayers I had learnt from the Orthodox calendar, because that was the only way I could `nourish my faith`, because I had nobody to teach me what to do, and for me the Bible was a book only the reach people could have.....So, I became very religious,a situation the Evil used and took me so far away from the truth, manipulating me with showing me `saints` who lead me into bigger ang bigger deceipt. But, even those not many things I learnt were difficult to follow and live.
I lived in a family where the pain, sorrow, cry, fights and shouting, crashing and abuse were very common, and origined from my father who was an alchoholic.... Laugh, song and joy, was very strongly forbidden in that family. No one, not me, nor my mother or my brother were allowed to go somewhere, not even go out in our garden until my father was out, or if he found us when he would come back home we would suffer very much. I didn`t have any friends in my childhood, nor anyone close after that. The only thing I was allowed to do, were the activities connected with the school and some cultural clubs, so I used them to maximum and was a member to all school activities, and then I was attending The Dorm Of Cultural Events, drama clubs, arts, literature... and all that in order to be away from home, away from that unbearable atmosphere.
And when I was home, all the time available I had I used to spend with my only friends-the books... All these things lead me not to be understood by my friends at my age, nor did I understand them-I was still a child, and I was like an adult! My peer friends started avoiding me completely, because as they would say "I studied a lot", and I would go "astray."..All that made me not feel an adult with the adults, nor young with the youngsters. For the adults,I was a `perfect `child: well brought up, smart, with `all best marks`and all these comments made my friends jealous, and they had reason to hate me. And, yet I didn`t enjoy being etiquetted with the adults` praises, because it just deepend the differences between me and my friends.... So I decided to be like `the others`, like my friends-I started to go out at nights, to smoke, drink.....And all that lead me to something contrary to what I expected it to be... Emilija got an etiquette of being bad.... When I was `good`, they didn`t like it, I was like the others- they didn`t like it, either. I was more and more grieved and desperate....Problems at home, peer rejection, and my health was in worse and worse condition ever (I had problems with my heart). I started hating my life...I said to myself:" If there is a hell, surely it is not as scareful as this one I live in- I decided to commit a suicide.
One night I prepared the tablets I was taking for my heart (about 20) and a huge amount of sedatives...I thought, I would simply fall asleep, and wouldn`t wake up the other day....And, that night was THE night, the greatest night in my life (when the old Emilija died and a new one was born)!
And while I was waiting for my family to fall asleep, so they don`t destroy my plan, I turned the TV on, and I saw the movie of Jesus, with the Gospel message, which, I thought `somebody` created just for me... That night I finally understood who Jesus was and why He was crucified and He died for me. I accepted Him THAT night (November 1999) as my God and my Saviour....My life changed that very night-but I didn`t know why,I didn`t even realise what I did that night. I didn`t have fellowship with anybody( didn`t even know such people existed) and the Bible was too expensive and I couldn`t even afford it. But, thanks God, He is a God who takes care of everything; Only after one month I met Oliver( now my husband) who started talking to me about God and teach me from the Gospel,and also, he gave me the first new Testament.
We grew up in our faith together, we held each other and studied the Word and together we experienced everything God did in our lives. After 3 months, God cured my heart, set me free from the medicaments addiction and from fear. He did a lot of miracles which brought me closer and closer to Him. Even after a year we understood that there were other believers like we were, and from 30th September 2000 we became members of the Evangelical church.
And from that night onwards God has done a lot of miracles in our lives(now common life)...And the only thing we want is to be tools in His hands.
E.Z.A.
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